Reason #2: I Fucked a Girl in the Bushes (twice)

I think the title explains everything, but for the voyeuristic folk out there, here goes. 


A little while ago, not too far back but enough time that I’m comfortable talking about it, I met a group of girls in a park while me and my friends were prepping to go out. They, too, were drinking but hadn’t decided on where to go. So we managed to convince them to join our party, and eventually hit town with us.

Cut to the walk home. One of the girl’s place was on the way to my house so I accompanied her, whereupon we began making out and she put her hand down my jeans. I was only too happy to return the favour, hoping she’d invite me inside. Apparently, though, her roommates were inside and she “doesn’t want to be known as that kind of girl”.  But I guess she wanted to be known as some type of girl, because she pulled me behind a boulder and told me to “put it in”. At this time, I was in a sexual drought and was not properly equipped. (Now, I have at least two condoms in every jacket and bag I own, because women get horny and I’m weak-willed.)  As you might have guessed, this didn’t faze her. So to cut a long story short, I’m a dad.


Ha! No. NO. I only did that for a minute or so before I realised what was happening. So she jerked me off onto her chest. Whatever. I remember being ashamed of my actions, specifically going raw with a virtual stranger.


I only bring this up because, a couple of weeks ago, a similar thing happened: out of town girl practically jumps me, her family is in the hotel room, so we find a clearing in the woods, and I give – by a country mile – my worst ever performance. The damn girl went all porn star, and not in the good way. Really obviously fake stuff. You aren’t doing anything for me sweetheart, so shut up. It was really distracting, and I was so disgusted by myself that I faked it. 


There was nothing objectively wrong with her. I mean she was crazy (total hot and cold with me) but I didn’t find that out until afterward. I just felt like, despite my not doing a single thing to turn this girl on, I just went for it. It was almost like I was taking advantage. I felt dirty for an entirely different reason.

So if “adults” do fuck in the woods, I’m pretty sure I’m not one of those adults.


Reason #1: Groceries

I want to preface this with something.

I love eating. Like, more than I should. My appetite isn’t huge and never has been, so my weight hasn’t fluctuated, but man. Bacon is fantastic (this is the internet: I think we can all agree on the bacon issue), and when you wrap it around other things, like steak or scallops, the combination becomes greater than the sum of its parts. And have you SEEN the bacon pancakes?!




So yes, the gastronomical world is an ocean of flavours, and dammit if I’m not going to try them all. (Except peas. Fuck peas, just so hard.)

I also quite enjoy cooking. In terms of food, the only thing better than tasting a delicious something is creating that delicious something all by yourself. A guy that can cook can always bring something to the table (sorry, no pun intended) when it comes to a new roommate, or romantic partner. No girl has ever been turned on by a guy making butter pasta, commonly known as “noo-noos”. But you through some basil in there, a chopped chicken breast, and a little cracked pepper, and boom. You’re gonna be skipping dessert, unless you eat chocolate mousse out of her belly button.

So I should really be damn good at the kitchen aspect of grown-up life, but no. The problem arises when I have to actually stock my cupboards.

Shopping in general is something I find dull. If I go to buy a pair of jeans, my “shopping” consists of walking into a store, looking around for about 15 seconds, and if a pair doesn’t wow me immediately (which, let’s be honest: I’m a guy, and they’re fuckin’ jeans) I walk out again and grab a beer somewhere. I’ve been told for years that taking my pants off in public is frowned upon in polite society, and as far as I can tell, if I can still hear super peppy Jeans girl – let’s call her “Ashlee” – through the curtain asking if these ones fit, then I’m still in public.

But back to groceries.  Here is a breakdown of the last time I went to the store:

Bread: Because sandwiches are awesome, and I already have peanut butter.

Mango (dried): Partly because I feel like I should probably have more fruits and vegetables in my diet, but mostly because I read that eating mangoes while smoking marijuana results in a higher high. It’s hard to objectively confirm this, but what I can tell you is that dried mango slices are delicious anytime, regardless of your state of mind.

M ‘n’ Ms (peanut butter): I don’t know why these took so long to become a reality, but good job Mars. You ever put these in with freshly popped popcorn? It’s like the first ever sex dream you had when you were too young to understand it: so amazing, but you dont know how to put it into words.  Plus, the little bastards melt on the inside when you hold them in your hand.

French Toast Crunch: I don’t think I even need to explain myself here. I know it’s terrible (the only things that yellow in the natural world are daffodils and poisonous frogs) but all those E-numbers just add to the taste, right?

Photo on 2013-06-21 at 12.48 PM

Milk sold separately.

Keep in mind, I’m not an 8 year old boy. I’m a grown man that makes his own money and buys his own stuff. It can be argued that that’s the fun of being a grown up: you can buy Fruit Roll Ups and take them to work. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen my parents eat a Fruit Roll Up.

I like healthy foods, I just hate going to the store and filling a basket full of stuff that, given my schedule, will probably go off before I get a chance to eat it (that bread started to go moldy so I threw away the affected slices and put the remainder in the freezer… Is that even how I deal with that?) Usually, I get eggs, milk, bread and/or bagels, and maybe cheese if I’m feeling hungover. After that I just wander the aisles, looking at stuff I might want according to my mood. “Oh, that’s right, I have spaghetti. Better get spaghetti sauce!” This results in the weirdest leftover stuff in my fridge.

Also: OMG so many condiments! Does Frank’s hot sauce ever run out? I really do put it on everything!

I welcome any and all suggestions to add to my meagre list of staple foods. Except Oreos. I’m pretty good at buying junk food.